How I Quit Drinking Alcohol

It was early on Christmas Day 2013 when I wrote my first journal entry. I was sitting downstairs on my couch, stoned, a couple beers already down, and my family upstairs socialising and enjoying the festivities of Christmas.

I was depressed. I didn’t want them to see me. I didn’t want to go up there and have to show my face to them. I wondered if I could get away with spending the whole day being stoned and disconnected. I didn’t care, I’d do it anyways. Not that my family would notice anyways.

At this stage, I was not aware I was suffering from depression or anxiety. I just thought there was something wrong with me. I just wanted to check out, zone out, get high, get messed up, not have to think about life or anything at all.

At one stage, my sister came downstairs to check on me. I was still sitting on my couch, feeling dead to the world. 

She said, “Hey Zay, did you want to come up and hang out for a bit?”. I didn’t move... “Yeah, maybe” I mumbled. Staring blankly ahead.

Christina said “You know we’d really love to see you, why don’t you come upstairs with me?”. I stared straight past her, looking blankly at the wall ahead of me. 

She said “I don’t know what’s wrong Zay, what’s happened to you? “

I continued to stare blankly at the wall ahead of me. Completely numb.

She started crying and continued with sadness  and desperation in her voice, “This is not you Zay. I don’t know who you are anymore.”

Christina doesn’t cry very often, the only time I’d seen her cry was when she broke up with her last boyfriend. And as she cried... all I could think of was how much I hated myself for being the source of so much pain. And I still couldn’t feel, I was completely numb. Staring straight ahead of me at the wall, unable to look at her and wishing she would just disappear.

She left.

I continued to stay downstairs and stare at the wall. I smoked another cone. 

I picked up my phone and downloaded this app called Day One Journal. I started writing.

Since then, all my journal entries disappeared so I can’t remember it word for word, but it went something like this...

“It’s Christmas Day 2013 and I’m sitting downstairs high and drinking beer. I feel completely numb.  I hate myself and my life, I feel pathetic. Christina was just down here crying about how I’ve changed and how she doesn’t know who I am anymore. I couldn’t feel anything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t think I know who I am anymore. I think I might be depressed, all I want to do is get stoned and drink beer.  I made dream catchers for my family as presents, I guess I’d better go upstairs.” 

Then headed upstairs.

I made dream catchers for my family (Mum, Dad and older sister) that year. I thought they would appreciate something that I made, also I had all the time in the world and no money because I would spend it all on alcohol and marijuana. When they opened the presents, I felt complete shame, like a total loser. I felt like a 12 year old, making presents out of string, shouldn’t a 24 year old have enough money to buy Christmas presents?

I stayed for as long as I needed, only talking when I was asked a question, giving short, flat answers. I opened the many presents I got from my family, never breaking a smile, only just being able to mumble out a “thanks”. For every present I received, I felt even more ashamed and guilty that I wasn’t able to act more excited and grateful for it. I couldn’t even pretend to be happy. I was just miserable.

As soon as I could, I came back downstairs to get high again.

This is all that I can remember of that day. The reason why this day was so significant, is because of, ONE, my sister crying over me, I hated to see her so sad and that it was because of me. SECONDLY, I wrote my very first journal entry in years.

What this did was to give myself another perspective. Instead of just seeing things from my eyes, I started looking at my life from a different view. I admired to myself that there was something wrong and that maybe I was depressed. After writing a journal entry, I felt some kind of pressure come off, a release of some sorts. Like I could finally move on and go upstairs because I had gotten what was swirling around in my head down onto something.

From that day, I started to write in my journal more often. Not every day, not even weekly, but every now and then, I would check in and write. Every time I would write, I would feel some weight lifted off my shoulders. I believe this one act of journaling sparked my journey towards thinking about myself, things and life differently.

I believe in the power of journaling. I believe writing down what's going on for us, how we are feeling, we can begin to take ourselves out of the emotions we may be stuck in and be able to look at them without being fully INSIDE the. This one act of writing in my journal is what I believe the first step I took to healing the pain I felt inside.

It didn't change my life in an instant, it wasn't a profound moment, but it was the catalyst, the first action I took towards this journey of healing.

If you are feeling depressed, sad or hurt and you are wanting to do something about it, you can always write about it on a piece of paper or on your phone. You don't have to write an essay, it doesn't have to be perfect English or grammar, it can just be a stream of thoughts that are going through your head.

When we write it down, we see our thoughts from a different perspective. And a new perspective changes everything. This new perspective looks at our situation from a higher place and we can make decisions which come from a place of compassion instead of a place of sitting in our fear.

This is why in the How I Quit Drinking Alcohol Membership Program, we do a lot of journaling, writing and reflecting on our lives, what our thoughts are and how we are feeling.

If you are really wanting to quit drinking and start your healing journey, join the HIQDA Membership Program and/or start writing in your journal.

If you don't know where to start, here are some prompts:

• Where are you right now?
• What time is it?
• What just happened?
• What are you thinking about?
• How are you feeling?
• What is going on in your life these days?
• How often to do you drink alcohol?

Remember, it doesn't have to be GOOD writing. As long as you are getting something down, that's perfect. Even if you write about not knowing what to write, that's perfect too!

Enjoy!