How to Handle Drinking Nightmares
By Zay Canters
Date: August 30, 2019
I’m half asleep, half awake, but mostly still asleep. I’m sweating, shaking and crying.
I have no idea I’m asleep. All I know is that I hate myself for saying yes to alcohol, getting drunk after so many days, weeks, months of being so good. I’d worked so hard to get to this point, I’d cared so much about myself, I’d been so diligent with all the things I had been told and learnt to do to connect more deeply with myself... and there I was, out of control, drinking alcohol, crying, and hating myself for it.
There comes a time where I know I’m awake, I can feel myself in a pool of my own sweat and tears and I don’t want to wake up. I need to right what is wrong. I still need to apologise for hurting my family and friends, and clean up the big mess I’d caused. I fully believe that it’s real. That I’ve just woken up hungover from a big night, the night before.
Eventually, I fully awake, still crying, still angry at myself for what I’d done. Still depressed and hopeless, like “I’ll never change”, “there’s something wrong with me”, “how could I have done this?”
The more I awake I become, the thought crosses my mind... “maybe that was just a dream?”
Maybe it was a dream? Where am I?
I’m in my bed in my room up at Falls Creek, where I live, in the mountains.
I realise I’m not hung over at all.
I had only just dreamt that I had given in to the peer pressure of drinking alcohol with my friends, gotten wasted and hated myself for it!
The most intense feeling of relief floods through my body, like I’ve just cheated death. I continue crying, allowing myself to feel the pain of what I’d just experienced and to allow the fear to finish running it’s course through my body. “I’m ok”, I reassure myself, “I didn’t drink, I’m still sober, everything’s ok”.
I just allow myself to be an emotional being for a few minutes, and then I get up and go for my morning walk.
In the How I Quit Drinking Alcohol FB group, members have asked if anyone else has had drinking nightmares. I have no idea how common drinking dreams or relapse dreams are, but I do believe that my drinking nightmares was all part of my journey to living a life free from alcohol.
While they were a horrible experience which I would prefer not to experience, I know they caused me to wake up relieved that I didn’t drink and more determined than ever to not give up on my mission. What they didn’t do (thank goodness) was cause me to wake up feeling like I need a drink and having that craving to drink alcohol.
But I have no doubt that for many other people, a traumatic nightmare like this could easily lead them to crave alcohol to manage the intense feelings that came from that dream.
So, what’s the difference?
I personally believe it’s our MINDSET that makes the biggest difference in whether we wake up feeling relieved and more determined not to drink, then waking up feeling traumatised, depressed, craving alcohol and feeling fomo.
In order to be successful at quitting drinking alcohol, we must learn how to manage our emotions, especially the most intense ones that feel highly uncomfortable like fear, anger, frustration, depression, sadness and shame.
And when I say manage, I don’t mean shut them down, don’t allow yourself to feel them, rationalise yourself out of feeling them or take them out on the closest thing or person.
What I mean by managing our emotions is becoming intimate with them. It’s about knowing them really well, allowing ourselves to truly feel them no matter how uncomfortable they feel. It’s about knowing who we are WITH them going through our body, it’s about identifying what emotions we are feeling and accepting that they are there.
I’d been doing a lot of this work with my life coach and in my own time.
The whole reason why I had decided to focus on becoming a better person and let go of numbing myself with alcohol was because I became unafraid to feel uncomfortable emotions. I had already experienced the worst shame, anger, frustration, hate, disgust, jealousy and regret. I didn’t die.
At that time in my life, I had 3 choices... numb myself with more drugs and alcohol, kill myself and make it all end, or allow myself to just sit there and feel it all.
And I’m so fucking proud of myself for allowing myself to feel it, all of it. And once I did that, I was able to look at myself and the world with a clear mind and take baby steps forward. I didn’t know that’s what I needed to do, it’s just that the dining option was just a bit too scary and I loved my family too much to do that to them, and I had been numbing myself for years and, finally, I realised it wasn’t working. I’d given up on numbing, avoiding and distracting myself from my pain.
And I believe this ability to manage and become intimate with our feelings, whatever they are, is super important when it comes to quitting drink gin alcohol, so that in intense emotional situations like drinking nightmares, or relational conflict, we can be ok with our uncomfortable feelings instead of running straight to our numbing tools like alcohol and drugs.
What what to do if you find yourself having a disastrous drinking nightmare??
Well, you may have had a nightmare like this only after 1, 2 or 3 days off the alcohol. It could be couple of weeks since you’d had a drink. Or maybe it’s after a few months or even years!
Eventually, as you wake up, you will realise that it was just a nightmare.
That won’t mean that you will instantly feel better. You may still be feeling quite traumatised, angry, depressed etc. (depends on what the dream is about).
In these situations, be kind and compassionate towards yourself. Instead of listening to the little voice in your mind, which could be telling you that you suck, you fucked up, you need a drink, you give up... TELL yourself things instead.
What you MIGHT NEED is reassurance, kindness, calmness, compassion, gentleness and to focus on your mission and vision of the person you want to be. You might also need a shower, to brush your teeth and to breathe some fresh morning air!
It’s up to YOU to listen to your body and mind and ask it what it needs and to give yourself those needs in a resourceful way.
For me, it was all those things I mentioned above, but for you it might be different. What works for me might not work for you.It’s about listening to your body. BUT, if you are not at the stage of knowing what your needs are, you can start with what I did....
6 Steps to Handling Drinking Nightmares
1. Breathe deeply.
- Take some long deep breaths. Count your breaths to 10 and then start back at 1.
- Make sure to breathe ALL the way out before breathing back in.
- Breathe into your diaphragm, so that your belly rises and falls with each breathe.
2. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling.
- Feel the emotions course through your body.
- Do a body scan, where you slowly focus on each part of your body starting from the tip of your head and moving down to the tip of your toes.
3. Notice what you feel in your body.
- What do you notice?
- Where is the sensation?
- Does it have a colour?
- Is it hard or soft?
- Is it moving or still?
- Is it big or small?
- Whatever it is allow yourself to feel everything in your body as you lie in bed.
- Do this for a few minutes or as long as it takes for the emotions to move through your body, it could be a few seconds, to a few minutes, to 15 minutes. Just allow it to be there.
4. Name the emotion you are experiencing and say it out loud.
- “I am experiencing fear/relief/sadness”
5. Give yourself what you need.
- This is most likely going to be along the lines of some form of self-care. Determine in advance what things are your way of looking after yourself. It could be doing a puzzle, taking a bath, giving/getting a hug, going for a walk, having a cup of tea, reassuring yourself with kind words etc.
- You can even just ask yourself... “What do i need right now?” And listen to the answer.
If the little voice in your head says “I need an alcoholic drink/cigarettes/smoke”, say “thank you mind, what else do I need?” until you give yourself a resourceful answer that resonates with you.
6. Celebrate your success.
- You can do this by sharing your experience in the How I Quit Drinking Alcohol group, with a loved one, calling a friend, having a delicious breakfast, going out for a nice coffee at your favourite cafe, asking a friend out to dinner or a movie! Whatever brings you joy!
Drinking nightmares are real and they happen and can be something to prepare for as your mind processes this wonderful and challenging journey you’re on.
These experiences can be a great way to become more intimate with yourself and your emotions and a way for you to experience more of who you are in a safe environment.
I would love to hear about whether you also experience these drinking nightmares and how you manage those intense emotions that come with them! Thanks for reading.
Zay xx